We’ve all been there. A friendship that was once valuable and enjoyable is no longer serving us. The thing about toxic people is they are often hard to spot. They don’t just casually mention over coffee, “Hey, I have super-toxic personality traits that are going to completely drain you and make you resent this friendship.” Because truthfully, a lot of the times toxic people don’t realize that they are, in fact, toxic. But if you find yourself in a situation where you need to disassociate with someone for the benefit of your own wellbeing, you can do it gracefully and with little-to-no drama.

How to recognize a toxic personality

Have you ever heard the old saying, “frogs will pull down other frogs trying to escape boiling water”? It’s a cheesy analogy, but at some point in your life you’re going to encounter someone who will stand in the way of your own self-improvement. Now, “toxic” is a bit of a buzzword, so before you go ending all of your relationships because something feels off, let’s make sure we actually understand what toxic traits look like. People can be annoying, difficult, demanding and rude. Those aren’t toxic traits, they’re just unpleasant. And while you don’t have to keep those relationships going, you won’t feel the same need or urgency to cut them out of your life like those that have toxic traits. Toxicity has its own spectrum, and everyone has their own level of tolerance for it. But here are some of the most common toxic traits to avoid in friends:

• They try to control you, either directly or through manipulation.
• They disregard your boundaries. Being able to respect the boundaries of others is the sign of a well-adjusted human. Toxic people tend to thrive on violating them.
• They are always right. Even if they aren’t, toxic individuals will find ways to prove themselves right. They rarely, if ever, admit mistakes, even tiny ones.
• They play the victim. This one is the bane of my existence. Toxic people love being the victim of the world. Nothing is ever their fault when it comes to their career, relationships, even their own self-improvement. They will always find someone or some external factor to shift the blame on to.
• They take without giving. A healthy relationship is about give and take. You’re there for each other when you need it. But a toxic friend just takes and takes and always happens to be “too busy” to reciprocate. And toxic people will continue to take and take as long as you let them.
• They guilt-trip you. Have you ever had a clingy friend who manipulates you into feeling like you’re a bad person because you’re not spending enough time with them? You can be a good friend without spending every spare second with someone or needing to respond immediately to their texts. People who are desperate for that connection to the point where they create negative feelings about yourself are downright toxic.

So now what?

OK, you’ve identified the toxic traits. If you read any of the above and thought to yourself, “check, check, check,” it’s time to cut the ties. It is fully possible to end a friendship with grace and integrity. What you should not do, is ghost them. I know, no one enjoys having difficult conversations, but it’s time to put on your big girl pants.

Accept that it will be a process

It might not happen overnight. If you truly want to end the relationship with grace, you will need to put in thoughtful planning into how and when you’re going to approach it. If you refer back to the traits of toxic people we just mapped out, respecting boundaries is a big one. A toxic person isn’t going to let go easily and you might have to repeat yourself a few times over an extended period.

Do it in person

No chickening out via text or social media. No matter how you feel about this person now, you did care about them at one point and have some good memories to reflect back on. You wouldn’t want someone to end your friendship with a Post-it, a la Carrie and Berger, would you?

Have a goal in mind, and expect a conversation

 

Practice in the mirror or with your dog, but run through what you want to say at least a couple times before meeting with your friend. That way, you won’t get flustered and forget the most important bullet points in your reasoning. No need to deliver a monologue. Keep listening and allowing them to speak, but don’t let them take over the main purpose for the meeting. Be ready to articulate specific talking points and get everything you need off your chest.

Be honest, but soft

There’s no need to be hard on this person. Honestly, a lot of toxic traits come from underlying self-confidence issues or even something deeper. Chances are they aren’t actually a bad person, they just aren’t a healthy friend. Don’t let the fear of confrontation stop you from saying what you want to say, but don’t point fingers and place blame. I know it might be tempting to tell your friend she ruined your life (OK, a bit dramatic), but making accusations doesn’t help end the relationship gracefully. Placing the blame on one person isn’t fair. Instead, come at it from the perspective of the actual flawed relationship, and not your friend’s toxic personality. You don’t need to actually to say to someone, “You’re toxic.” Save that drama for reality tv.

Consider a “cooling-off” period

 

It’s not goodbye, it’s just see you later. But realistically, if you recommend a cooling off period where you both take a hiatus from your relationship, chances are your friend will gradually fade out anyway. Unless you have a serious “Single White Female” situation going on, your friend will probably use this time apart to cultivate new friendships and hopefully lose interest in yours.

Removing a toxic person from your life is like lifting a huge weight off your shoulders. It’s worth remembering that we all do bad things in our friendships—we’re not perfect. Most importantly, after the friendship is over, focus on forgiveness. You don’t have to tell them, “I forgive you,” but acknowledging it on your own is the best thing you can do for your own emotional health and move on.