There are very few people that I’ve met where I’ve instantly been enamored. After meeting Bianca through mutual friends, I knew she was a special soul. She’s hysterical, wicked smart and so kind-hearted. I’m not kidding when I say I want to be like Bianca when I grow up. I’m constantly asking her to be my “life coach,” and she thinks I’m joking, but I’m totally not. I hope when you read this journal entry from Bianca’s heart, you’ll get a taste of how complex and wonderful she is. Thanks for joining us on this year-long journey!
Saturday 03/23/2019:
So much hesitation about writing a piece for Glitter Guide. I’ve written intros and endings to a handful of essay options, but I can’t seem to write the middle. The deadline is approaching and I’m feeling like I just need to make some excuse why I can’t do it. Why did I so eagerly respond “Yes!” to this project? I liked the idea of it nudging me outside my comfort zone, but I didn’t know it would push me off a ledge, into a spiral of emotions. I am feeling overwhelmed. Perry stayed home sick this week, that threw me for a loop. Then I was up with her at 2 a.m. last night. She has this horrible cough and she insisted I lay with her on the couch while she coughed in my ear (like someone suffering from “the black lung”). I can’t seem to recover from the loss of sleep. There’s a birthday party at 9 this morning (WHAT THE HECK? WHY SO EARLY?), and then we have a soccer game, and then I have to squeeze in some work. I don’t really have time.
So many excuses. I should be trying to make space in my head to write the meat of my essay, but I can’t. I can’t get out of my own head, but I find the time to complain to myself and sabotage myself. I can’t do this. My mind is struggling to stay on topic. What is my topic? Waves of doubt are washing up and trying to erase my train of thought. Trying to drag me back to the sea of self-doubt I have been floating in lately. I am beginning to question everything. Why am I feeling this way? Where is this coming from? THE PRESSURE! It’s overwhelming. My chest feels tight and I feel very nervous. Anxiety is creeping up behind me. I can sense it coming on. It’s like the feeling of someone behind you and when you turn to double check your surroundings you’ve been overcome and someone has managed to slip a plastic bag over your head and now you’re struggling to breathe. I am panicked. When I feel anxious, it takes me back to the time when I was little and a man tried to kidnap me. Yeah…really struggling to stay on topic here. And wow, that got kind of dark kind of quick.
It would be easier to just tell Samantha I can’t do this. I don’t know what to write about. I am out of my league. I am not a writer. I can barely write an IG post without all these same emotions and insecurities parading around me. I don’t want to disappoint her or the Glitter Guide team. What if no one reads this? What a waste of space in their archive. In the very back, the way way back of my mind, I am actually worried that I could get Samantha fired. I mean…she’s the one who went out on a limb and asked me to write an essay for them. Shit. Why am I so emotional???
When I feel anxious, it takes me back to the time when I was little and a man tried to kidnap me. Yeah…really struggling to stay on topic here. And wow, that got kind of dark kind of quick.
Why am I rambling on about all of this? I’ve just taken an emotional dump, and I feel little relief. Do other people think like this or talk to themselves like this. What the heck is wrong with me? If I am honest…if I am honest with myself…I am scared. I am scared to put myself out there. I am scared of looking stupid. I am scared of failing. I wonder if people look at me and think “Just give up. You tried it. You’re not great at it so why keep doing it?” I wonder that about myself sometimes.
I can’t do this. I just need to tell them I can’t do this. I don’t expect Samantha or Taylor to understand these feelings. These are smart, successful, beautiful women who also happen to have tons of followers, admirers (me included). People love them. Samantha graduated from Harvard for crying out loud! HARVARD. I graduated from community college. I will just give some excuse as to why I can’t do this. Is it really an excuse when your emotions overcome you and you feel paralyzed from fear and anxiety has put you in a place of doubt and anguish? Why am I trying to rationalize fear with excuses. Get it together!
I wonder if people look at me and think “Just give up. You tried it. You’re not great at it so why keep doing it?” I wonder that about myself sometimes.
What am I doing? I’m a mess.
Talk about “all the emotions.” I have them all and I have just decided to put them all out there for people to read. I was so scared to write this essay for so many reasons. I almost didn’t write it. I almost let fear overpower me. My dad recently had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor and I didn’t fly home to be with him because I have a fear of flying. I let fear keep me from being with my dad when he needed me most. It was the worst feeling. Just a couple weeks ago, my parents celebrated 35 years of marriage, and I knew I couldn’t miss this celebration. I couldn’t let fear defeat me, and I didn’t. I flew to see my parents and it was the best feeling! I stared out the window of the plane the entire time. I felt as if I was looking all my fears dead in the eye and proclaiming “NO LONGER! I CAN DO THIS!” Also, what I realized as I stared down below was how beautiful the view was from above. I had been missing out on something so beautiful. Sure a bit terrifying, but still beautiful. And isn’t that life?
what I realized as I stared down below was how beautiful the view was from above. I had been missing out on something so beautiful. Sure a bit terrifying, but still beautiful.
Writing this piece has been absolutely daunting, but I DID IT! It was terrifying, but it’s been a beautiful experience for me to see that I can be pushed outside my comfort zone and I can survive. I can talk myself in circles, and still know myself well enough to take a chance on me. I have let fear hold a place in my mind for too long. It’s been my foe, but I am determined to make it my friend. We all have that friend who makes us do things we don’t want to, but then we’re glad we did…or maybe not so glad. I will no longer say “no” because of fear. Instead, I will uncomfortably say “yes” with fear lingering around me, but not taking space in me. I don’t know what I am doing, but I am doing.
Let’s do this!
Inspired by her favorite sitcoms of the 70’s and 80’s (Threes Company, Good Times, Golden Girls) Bianca thrifts and repurposes goods for her peppy lifestyle brand Sunny and Cheer. A mother of two, married for almost 20 years, this former account manager now enjoys the glamorous small business life: 18 hour days, unpaid vacations, and too many trips through the In-n-Out drive through.
Get a boost of happy @sunnyandcheer | Shop the goods www.SunnyandCheer.com | Follow the real life ups & downs & thrift trips too @biancawickers
