We’ve all had them. Awkward silences (insert *crickets*). When you’re networking or meeting new people that you aren’t fully comfortable with, it can be tricky to maintain an engaging conversation. But being a good conversationalist will serve you well in so many areas of your life. My husband and I talk about this often in regards to our son and his generation. Will the kids that bring iPads to restaurants have good social skills? Will the family who each have their face buried in their own phone around the table be engaged with other humans? It’s a tricky scenario because sometimes as a parent you gotta do what you gotta do. But if you’re an introvert or socially awkward, conversing with new people might feel like a daunting task. Being a good conversationalist is beneficial for your career, social situations, dating, etc.

I remember reading The Charisma Myth, which a former boss of mine had recommended to me. Now, he was kind of Patrick Bateman-esque, so I took this recommendation with a grain of salt, but the book had some good case studies when it came to conversation. One of the things the author talked about was “focus charisma,” which is someone who listens intently, and makes people feel respected and heard, such as Oprah. This is such a huge part of being a good conversationalist. Being able to make the other person feel heard and interesting is powerful. This makes them want to keep the conversation going, and thus makes it flow more easily. Here are a few other tips for becoming an excellent conversationalist:

1. Focus on the tangible present. The next time you’re in a conversation, bring yourself back to the present moment as often as you can by focusing your breath and then toes just for a second, and then back to focusing on the other person. Every time you bring yourself back to full presence, you become more impactful, more memorable and come across as more grounded.
2. Be genuinely interested in the person. Who is this person? What’s on his/her mind? What does he/she enjoy doing? What motivates him/her in life? You could do all the right things in the conversation, but if you aren’t genuinely interested, it will fall flat without the driving force behind the exchange. 
3. Warmth is goodwill toward others. It tells us whether or not people will want to use their “power” in our favor. It’s assessed almost entirely through body language and behavior, and evaluated more directly than power. It has to originate in your mind, though. If you feign warmth, eventually a micro-expression will flash across your face and the jig will be up. Body language is incredibly important in a conversation. Friendly body language leads others to assume good intentions, and confident posture leads others to assume we have something to be confident about. People accept whatever you project.
4. Stick with positivity. This means rather than talk about past grievances, opt for a discussion of future goals. Rather than talk about the coffee that spilled on your table this morning, talk about that movie you are looking forward to watching later in the evening. It’s OK to talk about “negative” topics (and in turn, negative emotions) once in a while, but only when you feel it is OK with the other person and fits the scenario. No one likes a Debbie Downer, and you might not even realize you’re doing it. So the next time someone asks you “how are you?” instead of responding with, “Oh man, I am SO tired,” try a more positive response. While it may be true that you are tired, that’s not all you have going on. Instead, try, “I’m doing well! Looking forward to catching up on some rest this weekend.” It says the same thing, but reframes it into a positive outlook.
5. Treat everyone equally. Have you ever known someone who treated you fair-weathered but was a total ass-kisser to others? A lot of people treat people differently based on what they think they can get out of that person. Not only is that shitty human behavior, but it hurts your conversation skills because it’s apparent whether you mean it or not. Tim Ferriss, a successful entrepreneur and author of The 4-Hour Workweek said, “Treat everyone like they’re important, because they are. You’re not only making yourself look bad by shrugging off a non-recognizable person at a networking event in an attempt to speak to a celebrity, but you’re risking offending someone who may be much more connected than you realized.” Talk to every person like they could put you on the front page of The New York Times, because you never know!
6. Ask open-ended questions. Try to avoid questions that can be answered with “yes” or “no.” This leaves more room for your counterpart to go into detail and take hold of the reigns for a bit. Questions elicit answers. The kind of questions you ask will steer the direction of the conversation. To have a meaningful conversation with the other person, ask meaningful questions.
7. Don’t argue. Conversations are all about sharing thoughts and opinions in a friendly environment. When someone tells you their thoughts about something, don’t rush to prove them wrong, even if you are an expert and know better.
8. Compliment them. We all like to be complimented, especially when we do something we’re proud of. This appreciation will make the person you are complimenting open up to you. It breaks some walls, as the person sees you as kind enough to notice something good about them. Compliments are powerful tools that make people feel good about themselves.

Becoming a better conversationalist takes practice, but it isn’t difficult to achieve. As with all other things to be learned, the first step is to have the right mindset.

main + featured image by Jennie Corti.