I’m curious how this post is going to be received, because I can feel the extroverts around the world screaming in protest through their computer screens. But hear me out. I want to make an argument for having fewer friends. I was a very social butterfly growing up. I can provide receipts in the form of notes being sent home from teachers. I always believed that the more friends you had, the better. Which, when you’re a high school kid or in the early years of college, may be true. Because at that point in your life, your main priorities are to learn and have a good time.

When I graduated and friends began moving away for school, it was only natural that we lost touch. See, I’m old enough to where social media was barely a thing when I graduated 👵🏻. You could only have Facebook with a college email! I know, I know, I’m ancient. But the point of this fact is that staying in touch was easier said than done when you were spread all around the country. And I think we all know that the older you get, the busier life becomes.

But the ultimate game-changer in my friendships? Having a baby. The birth of my son brought some friendships to a close and invited some new ones into my life as well. Because, let’s be completely honest here, it’s much easier to balance friendships and motherhood when your friends also have kids. But I digress. What motherhood taught me about friendships wasn’t that it’s harder to be friends with some people than others, but rather, I had to be more selective about where I wanted to spend my resources. When you’re a wife, a mother and working full-time, that can take up all of your time, without leaving much for anything else.

I admit it took me a minute to find my footing as a new mom and a friend to others. I went through a couple years of being really bad at responding to texts and flaking on coffee dates. But you find your rhythm eventually. Again, this post isn’t about that. Flash-forward a few years and we’re suddenly finding ourselves in a once-in-a-generation scenario of sheltering in place during a global pandemic. I think we can all agree that this universally difficult time has made us re-prioritize and reconsider our day-to-day, because we’ve had to. I was talking to one of my best girlfriends the other day and she mentioned how COVID has also made her re-examine her friendships. Because when the world is in the middle of an epidemic AND ramping up the fight against racial injustice, it suddenly makes it really clear who is on your team and who doesn’t really align.

Everyone has their own beliefs, but when you consider all the things in front of us right now, it makes it easier to see who is someone you can picture being in your life for the long haul. You aren’t going to align with everyone, and that’s fine. And I’m not saying you need to cross their name out of your little black book, but you may find yourself reconsidering just how much of your precious time and resources you’re willing to give to them if they aren’t someone who you can see adding value to your life for years to come.

I am very much an introvert, and while introverts value friendships and relationships just like anyone else, we also tend to be more selective with how we spend our time. It isn’t that we don’t cherish friendships and frequent social hangs, but we also highly value our personal pursuits. I am happiest when I’m home with my family and working on a creative hobby or reading a book. Going out to loud bars or late night girls’ nights makes me feel exhausted just thinking about it. Because for me, I prefer a quieter life. With those who are more akin to acquaintances, there feels the need to keep constant conversation—probably for subconscious fear of appearing dull, or letting that awkward silence settle in. When I’m uncomfortable, I get awkward AF.

Circling back to when my son was first born, I had friends who were offended and put off by my lack of communication in those early days. Like I wasn’t “making the effort.” And you know what? They were right. Because when you have limited resources, you put them where you want to put them, and sometimes that can create natural rifts in friendships. My closest group of friends don’t need to hear from me every single day to know I love them. They are whole, complete people who also have their own lives, but are perfectly ready to sync up again once the stars align. These are the people who become more like family. My best friend, Merrill, and I always joke that we’re kindred spirits a la Anne of Green Gables, but it’s true. Our love and affection for each other has nothing to do with the quantity of time spent together, but the quality.

It’s actually really healthy to fully invest yourself in your friends, regardless of how many you have: In a 2002 analysis, researchers found that the common bond between “very happy people” was their close friendships and relationships, and the fact that they devoted time to meaningful one-on-one interactions. I challenge you to examine your “friend” group and see where you fall on the quality vs. quantity scale. This decade has brought on a phenomenon of collecting friends and contacts via social media. We get a feeling of satisfaction by seeing the numbers of our followers list add up. The internet has made us more isolated than ever, so even though there are more “friends” at our fingertips, a lot of people actually have a lower quality of friend group. 

I’ll wrap up my TEDtalk (LOL) by sharing two distinct relationship-related values: popularity (the drive to have more friends and be liked by a wider circle of people) and affinity (the drive to deepen and build close relationships). We wrongly assume more is better for most things in life. It just isn’t the case with relationships. It’s crucial we make sure the need to fill up our contact list and the ego-enhancement of growing an ever bigger network, doesn’t entice us away from the really important stuff: deepening the connection of our closest relationships. Quality will always be more valuable than quantity.